19.10.21

I'm not in the mood to talk to people or be with people. I'm on my period, though. At least my doctors appointment went well. I think she can help me, but my old doctor fucked up so I basically paid for nothing. Fucking bitch. I have some annoying shit I have to deal with and it makes me want to just leave altogether. On top of all of this, there was some random kid that wanted to get to know me, and I couldn't even be bothered to add her on the social media she asked for. It's been weeks and I had absolutely no reason to avoid doing that, I just honestly don't feel like using that site every day and weeks go by so quickly. I'm not in a particularly good mood lately.

15.10.21

I feel like fucking shit. I did have a good day really, but I just don't feel good. Now that I think about it it's probably because I'm getting my period soon. I'm kind of disappointed that I didn't get a reply from a job even though they told me they would, so I guess I feel sad about that. I'm too anxious to work so if they called me and rejected me I know I'd feel super relieved. I felt ready to work for a couple of weeks but now I just feel like I can't do it again. I always fall back to this place, though. I didn't forget about my diary, but I didn't feel like writing anything recently. I've also neglected to contact a person for 2 weeks now for no reason. I want to talk to my doctor about medication but I expect to be turned down.

03.10.21

Hey, I've been feeling fine.

01.10.21

My diet didn't go very well. I lost half a kilo. Can I even say that? My weight probably just fluctuates. Anyway, I have exciting things coming up that I don't want to write about because it's too specific. I'd like to lose more weight!!

30.09.21

I'm weirdly in a bad mood. I guess I know why, but it's kind of lame. I have a really bad feeling. I guess I just feel insulted.I also realize that I skipped a day but I honestly had nothing to write about. Feels pointless to be like "I feel fine!" every day, but it's also an important part of this diary. It's interesting for me to see that I feel fine most of the time. Well, it's not exactly a surprise, I just... Needed to see it in this format, I guess. I don't know how my diet's going, but to be honest I haven't tried very hard.

28.09.21

I had a pretty good day. I felt quite unbothered. It's going pretty well for me.

27.09.21

I had a good therapy session today, but I have some shit I have to sort out. My diet is...

26.09.21

I overslept... I don't know why. I had a pretty short day due to that but I was able to do what I needed to. It was pretty good.

25.09.21

I had a good day overall.

24.09.21

I felt really pumped last night, and made some old mistakes. I got up late and didn't really feel like doing anything. However, the new me is able to do stuff even when I get up late. I even applied to 3 more jobs... And I even managed to call my doctor!! Holy shit!!! I need to get up tomorrow, so. Hope I have fun.

23.09.21

I was being fussy today because I felt like it. I worried about my neighbours seeing me crying, but I doubt that they did. I managed to apply to 2 jobs today so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also have plans for the weekend so that's fun. I accidentally slept in today but I'll just try again tomorrow. I want to try for real this time... To have an actual schedule. I think it's the only thing that could potentially work for me.

22.09.21

Ayy. I'm tired. I think I can sleep well. Today felt long, but that's probably because it was. My heart was beating really fast because I felt uncomfortable at a group meeting. I was fine though. I saw a full cherry tree, and I've seen lots of apples and pears on the ground lately. I wondered if the birds were getting drunk.

21.09.21

I lost more than half a kilo, but I'll start taking that number seriously after like 2 weeks ok? I'd like to lose 3 in total. I overslept but managed to squeeze in everything I needed to do anyway, which is a huge improvement for me. Feel a bit lazy... It's nice being alone, but I finally started responding to people again today. Good for me. I have to go to this thing tomorrow. Not that it's not voluntary? I hope it's ok and not a waste of time.

20.09.21

Diet is going fine. I had a pretty normal day. I went for a pretty good walk. Hmm I can't remember what I wanted to write about today.

19.09.21

Diet is going just ok. I felt fine today, pretty comfortable. I still suck at finding four leaf clovers. I feel hopeful for my own future.

18.09.21

Umm so yeah anyway, my diet failed today. I also forgot to weigh myself in the morning but it's not like it'll be any different only after one huge dinner, lol. I'll start keeping track of it I guess, but it's really hard when people make food for me and I can't throw it away. Think.. in.. smaller portions. I got my period and I feel kinda tired and annoyed but otherwise fine. I actually did something productive today so yeah. I'd like to go out for a walk tomorrow because I think I'm too lazy and a shit. I guess I felt both good and bad today, I don't really know if there was anything else I wanted to say.

17.09.21

I'm getting pretty good at ignoring everyone else in order to live my life. I want to fuck Orochimaru so bad, anyone else?

Today, for the first time in a while I was both brave enough and remembered to weigh myself while my stomach was empty and my hair was dry. I have gained 2 kilos, so I will be attempting to lose those. I only had dinner today, but it was a very big dinner indeed.

16.09.21

I feel much better. I was able to do everything I needed to do today.

15.09.21

I was too exhausted to write until now. I'm ok again now, but wow. Ok, I don't really have much I want to say.

12.09.21

Today went pretty well, actually. I feel like I can pass as a normal person now. I still hate having to answer polite questions that I think are too personal. I want to tell people that the reason I wasn't working for years was because of illness. What illness? Being a sick ass bitch? I feel a bit weird and bad too for some reason. Everything went really well today so I don't know why that is. I notice that the biggest hurdle I have overcome is the thought that people dislike me, yes I would like to call that a hurdle. I try to be really nice and curious about other people now. I'm still nervous about giving compliments but I'll have to force myself, of course without making it seem forced. I either don't notice people disliking me or I don't care anymore, but I like to think it's the first option. To be honest this is pretty huge for me, because feeling disliked by people is the number one reason why I found it uncomfortable to be around people. Of course, I only understood that after I started caring less. Whatevs.

11.09.21

Yeah it was alright. Kind of nervous for tomorrow.

10.09.21

Didn't realise I forgot to write anything yesterday. I was really tired, though. Yesterday I felt too tired to do much, but I did do some stuff. I felt a bit motivated to go out and do stuff, but I happened to be too tired to shower, so... Anyway, today was a good day. Everything went really well and I got up early and even felt well rested. Yet, for some reason I still feel like I should have worked harder. I don't know what to do about this feeling. I was sure that as long as I worked, I would feel fine for a while and not feel guilty since I am doing the one thing I have wanted to do and the one thing I have thought would clear me of this guilty feeling. I don't really know what to do...

08.09.21

I looked like Tony Stonem today and it was not on purpose, so... It was that kind of day.

07.09.21

I had a good day and I feel fulfilled!

06.09.21

I don't have to worry anymore! I had a pretty good day.

05.09.21

Today was completely fine.

04.09.21

Had a shit day. To be fair I didn't sleep much. I feel like people at work don't like me... I haven't made as big of an effort to make people like me as they have, but in my opinion I had done enough. I find it extremely bothersome that I have to make as big of an effort as they do in order for them to treat me the same. I'm glad I'm almost done. I'm really tired of pretending to want to talk to these people... It's so boring. I wish it was good enough to say hi and bye and make casual small talk in order for people to smile at me and say hi and bye back. Are they bitches?

03.09.21

I've had some shit luck today but it was fine other than that. To be honest I feel like shit.

02.09.21

I had an ok day. Some things are so easy now compared to how it used to be, so I'm grateful for that. Hmm... It was mostly ok, but I felt a bit weird and sort of anxious. Anyway, whatever...

01.09.21

Got scammed by some stupid fucking whore I'm so fucking angry I wish I could rip her face apart. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did nothing wrong so why am I the one who has to pay for it you scamming bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

31.08.21

I might be getting sick but otherwise I'm fine.

30.08.21

I had a pretty good day. I finally responded to some messages.

29.08.21

I did everything I usually do on a Sunday, but for some reason it felt like a Monday. I felt completely fine. I felt slightly dazed while going for a walk but that's ok. Though... I heard something last night. I woke up from a very loud scream and a woman yelling "let go of me". It happened in the middle of the night, and must have been very loud if it woke me up. I saw blue lights afterwards. I wanted to find something about it online but found nothing. Well... It's best to avoid going out alone. Sometimes I miss being able to go for a walk in the middle of the night, but I would never do that in the city. Obviously. Hope that woman was okay. I wish it was safe for us to go out alone at night...

28.08.21

Today I feel horrible. Not in a sick way, though. There's this greatly dysphoric feeling in my body today and I'm not enjoying it one bit. I have the urge to slice because it feels like it puts me back to normal. It would be a good distraction. I want to do it because I feel like if I do then I'll be able to do more productive things afterwards, instead of just sitting around feeling awful and sorry for myself. I actually do have time for that today, though. I don't really see the reason to not do it? I don't do it in harmful places, and it's soothing. I don't think people really care if it's not dangerous. I don't understand why they would care. I got really annoyed last night because I have to refund someone. I wonder if my mood has been bad today because of that, lol. Bit dramatic, actually. Though, there's also these messages that keep piling up and I'm in too bad of a mood to respond to them. I also have not called my doctor.

27.08.21

I honestly felt better today than I did yesterday. I was fretting a bit today because of a message I wasn't sure I should send or not. As it turned out, I should have sent it a few days earlier. I also ignored a person who was trying to contact me. I had no reason to do that... Sorry.

26.08.21

I did a very obvious quarantine shop today. I'm pretty sure I'm getting sick. I feel a bit achey and my throat feels slightly weird, but not any more than that. My mood is fine, though. Ahh though I've still not remembered to call my doctor again.

25.08.21

Yeah... I have to quarantine myself, lol.

24.08.21

I might have to stop working because of a covid breakout so I'm not really having a good day at all. There's still some slim hope... I'm taking another test because apparently if you take it too early it won't be accurate.

23.08.21

It was an eventful day. Overall it was good. I might be getting sick, but my test came back negative. Will not have to come in to work tomorrow. It's actually someone else who gets the blame and not me at all, so at least that's good. I met up with friends too. Obviously I stayed well away from everyone. It's weird though, don't seem to mind hanging out with people as much as I used to. I'm not sure what to think of it. I guess it's because it's a pretty easy thing to do. My new friend invited me over while we were out and I had to turn her down. I haven't practiced it enough so I wondered if I hurt her feelings. I didn't mean to, it's just that I'm tired of tolerating uncomfortable situations. Does that make me lame as heck? Yes. To be fair to me, if I'm having an off day where I want to relax and have fun, why would I subject myself to something unbearable...?

22.08.21

I had a pretty good day. I spent a lot of time cooking and cleaning and tidying. I might have covid, though.

21.08.21

I had a good day, though I feel shitty in a way I can't pinpoint so I'll blame it on my period. I don't really know what to say... I didn't learn anything new about myself today. It feels good to relax, it was warm today so I had the most delicious beer and it made me feel really woozy. I blame my period for that, too.

20.08.21

I got my period today so I felt weird all day. I had to rush about and I just felt sick in every way possible. I'm also tired... These period symptoms are exhausting. I could cope, though... I just felt uncomfortable today with how close people are becoming, I really don't feel like participating in their convos. There is absolutely nothing about relationship talk that interests me. Seriously, it was so boring and it reminded me of being stuck at parties with my old friends and hearing them talk about penis, penis penis and just sitting there absolutely dying of boredom. I mean, how the fuck do you expect me to join in on the conversation when all you want to talk about every time is just penis? Our relationship was such a joke. It's difficult to leave people when you have no one else, but I wish I would have done it sooner!!! Fuck those judgmental bitches. It has taken me a long time to get over them because they fucked me up so badly. In case I forget in the future: one of those creatures did tell me there would be something medically wrong with you would you not wish to sleep with a stranger. I think today's convo reminded me of this dynamic where you have absolutely no leg to stand on due to being a disgusting, shameful, medically disordered virgin, which was why being physically stuck in that situation bothered me (sidenote: this makes total sense in relation to avoidant personalities. I don't want to get to casually know coworkers because they'll start talking about boring stuff and I'm just not willing to pretend to care anymore. I want to remove myself from any situations where people expect me to care, or pretend to care, because ignoring people is rude and makes people offended and hurt, and I have no such intentions) .I don't feel like randomly telling people that I'm not a virgin, though... You see, it was only after doing it that I realised that I could have just lied about it all along. It literally makes no difference. I mean, maybe everyone was lying about it except for me? Maybe that's the entire point of being a teenager; lying about losing your virginity?
Thankfully, I am starting to make normal friends.

19.08.21

I'm tired but the day was pretty good, I ended up spontaneously hanging out with someone which is a very long time since I've done. I feel like I've spent my entire day doing stuff, which is good.

18.08.21

I had a good day, still haven't gotten my period but man I don't know what to do about my trust issues. I'm also getting more concerned with having to spend time with people... Strangers are fine but it gets harder and harder to talk to people each time I see them. Well, it depends. When they talk directly to me I guess it's easier now. I have such little interest in getting to know people that I'd much rather sit there in silence, but some people really can't stand that kind of behaviour.

17.08.21

I feel like shit and it's probably because I'm getting my period soon... The day was good earlier on though.

16.08.21

It was a pretty good day. I forgot to reply to the emails, but I replied to some other stuff.

15.08.21

Today felt really long, but in a good way. I was able to do all I wanted to, plus some extra. I forgot to reply to the emails, so I'll try to do that tomorrow. I replied to some stuff, though! I made good food, and did everything I had planned to do. It was a pretty good day.

14.08.21

I'm tired. I tried to do my best today, but feel like I failed at being perfect. I answered some stuff but will try to get to the rest tomorrow.

13.08.21

Struggling to respond to messages and emails. I did some. The problem is that they accumulate... It's all so tiresome. Everything else is fine, though.

12.08.21

I hope I'm not getting sick, because I still want to earn money. It was a bit easier to talk today, so that's good. I'm being pretty bad at responding to messages these days, though. It was a good day, though.

11.08.21

I had a horrible night's sleep but the day went really well, actually. I think I'll be just fine.

10.08.21

I had a pretty chill day... It was productive, actually. I'm a bit nervous for tomorrow but I'll just take the day as it comes.

09.08.21

I had a pretty good therapy session. I made an entire thing from start to finish today so I'm feeling accomplished I guess. I mean, I really like what I made.

08.08.21

I went for a long-ish walk and felt stared at, it bothered me quite a bit. My therapist suggested to avoid eye contact to deal with this but I think that's a bullshit way of dealing with something that is probably in my imagination. It not being real doesn't make it any less bothersome... I don't know why she doesn't get that?
I was strolling down a street when I noticed the ground suddenly being covered in flies. At least, I think they were flies. It was either that or flying ants. It was kind of gross, but fascinating so I stood there and stared. They seemed to be clustered on a leaf, I'm not sure why. There wasn't any suspicious dead thing to find. There were so many flies... Big ones. A little later I walked past a building covered entirely in ivy on its side. The bees were going crazy! I don't know what else was in there but there seemed to be about 100 bees swarming around outside this normal block of flats. It was pretty cool. I'd appreciate it if people would stop staring.

07.08.21

Today went completely fine. I had a nice time, actually. I feel like my summer is now as complete as it should be. I also think my therapist will be shook when I see her on Monday.

06.08.21

I had a good day :D New stuff. Good food. I'm a bit nervous for tomorrow, but I think it'll be okay.

05.08.21

I was going to do something alone today, but didn't have to do it alone after all, so I was pleased with that. I just want to say that I find it gross when people get married early (I know why religious people do it though lol) because that means you want to marry a man and I find that gross.

04.08.21

Oh yeah. Today was fine. I have no complaints, but I felt unocomfortable and unwelcome in public today.

03.08.21

It was a pretty good day.

02.08.21

I felt pretty good today. I got some stuff done. I also have plans this week.

01.08.21

I finished something today :) It was pretty good because of that. I don't have much time before I start working but to be completely honest there's not much I really want to do...

31.07.21

Woke up late and feel kinda shitty. I feel weird... Like I have this pent up feeling. I was able to do a little bit today. I don't have much else to say, I feel fine though.

30.07.21

Yeah good day. I engaged in my favourite hobby. It had been a long while. I felt the usual nothingness all day but I feel pretty good now.

29.07.21

I was a bit more productive today! Good for me. I still feel so lethargic.

28.07.21

I had a fine day. I've been enjoying drawing recently. I doubt it'll last long, but it's nice to have something to do.

27.07.21

Yep, it was a good day. Very wet. I am tired. I tried to be normal, it was not an issue.

26.07.21

I had a completely fine day. I don't feel very motivated to engage in my hobbies... But everything else is fine.

25.07.21

It was hot. I'm glad I don't have plans tomorrow. This kind of came out of nowhere but I was looking at someone's IG account and her feed made me kind of jealous of having friends... I keep feeling a bit sad when I see complete strangers having people they can trust and who wants to hang out with them. I kind of felt like I wanted to make some comics. I can't express myself with words so I think pictures would be easier, but it might actually be much, much harder. I'm not saying they would be good, I actually have no experience at all. I rarely draw, but I do like it. I thought, why don't I just post them here? I think I'll do that.

24.07.21

I had a relaxing day. Went swimming again. I tested the water on both Wednesday and Friday, and that was nice too. Can't always be bothered to get my swim on. I met up with some friends for a beach picnic on the 21st. Even writing it like that I feel like it's a bit too descriptive, and not secret enough. They're old friends, but I'd rather refer to them as acquaintances. I don't personally think it's right to call someone a friend if you only talk to them once a year. The whole thing felt a bit weird. It was as easy as anything to fall back into the old role as a passive, though opinionated friend. My problem with getting along with them is mostly that I find them too passive. I overheard (even though I was sitting right next to, but that's what it felt like) talk of a diagnosis, and though I didn't hear a specific name, it sounded the same as the one I was given. It is not the first time I have wondered about overdiagnosis with this disorder in particular. I have no reason to doubt that the problem she deals with is real and of great nuisance, but that is not the point at all. I simply do not trust the "system" enough to blindly believe everything they tell me. Being told you have a personality disorder is like... Being told that you are in fact the problem, but that you should learn to just live with it. Even though it is considered the most mild, most lame, most pathetic and most curable of them, there is a general feeling of being understudied and overlooked. Because of the nature of the disorder, I do not know for sure if any doctor or scientist has ever had an actual, proper, unbiased, entire, full-scale, proper look into a patient's head before. I can't express my feelings to my therapist. I will be trying to do that here. I really want to, because I do not know if there is any point in being given this diagnosis in the first place. Has my life improved since I started seeing a therapist for my mild and embarrassing, yet extreme and unusual thoughts and fears and issues? I am now slightly more able to see things as the therapist wants me to. I am afraid of listening too much. I do not want to be brain-washed.

Anyway, it was an OK picnic. I wanted to drink more, but my acquaintances are too passive and couldn't even tell me "no", they just seemed uncomfortable when I suggested buying more. I have trouble dealing with people like this... I prefer people that will insult me with no prior provoking. I find them way more trustworthy!

Fuck all of this shit.

23.07.21

Good day. Too tired to blog. It's a good thing, because I didn't used to get tired at all.

22.07.21

It was a pretty good day. I was busy playing video games and don't want to write today either. I managed to go out.

21.07.21

I had an eventful day. I was left with many thoughts. I'm too tired to write them down today, so I hope I'll do it tomorrow.

20.07.21

I had a fine day. I was able to get up at a decent time :) I was also able to call my old doctor!!!!!!! When I woke I felt "ah, I can't do it... I really can't do it today..." but then I got up and felt like I could do it after that. It only took about 5 minutes to go from "I can't do it!!!" to "I think it would go well". It went fine, anyway. She'll send the files tomorrow. I went out... and had a tasty dinner (that I of course made myself). I have plans tomorrow, so that's unusual. I hope it'll be OK. I should probably spend more time nurturing offline relationships, but... It's actually not my fault that my past friends have more friends than me. It's not like I intentionally pushed them away? I would find it detestable to be accused of that, it's more of the opposite.

19.07.21

It was a good day, but I looked ugly, fat and greasy. I have not been able to wake up on time lately.

18.07.21

It was alright. I felt very clean today. I also went out in the evening, on my own.

17.07.21

I had a pretty good day actually. I got my period so that's probably why I was feeling so low yesterday. I thought it was early but apparently I forgot to check off last time so the website I use didn't send the reminding email. Love it when that happens. I feel pretty good but very... you know, detached? I have several plans next week so I have no idea how that's supposed to go. I'm planning on meeting up with a stranger too, which I am strangely not nervous about. I think it's because it's really a stranger, so it doesn't matter to me if they don't like me.

16.07.21

Having the worst mental health day. Took a long walk down the river but it ended up being an unintentional walk down memory lane. It should have objectively been a good day, the scenery is very pretty. Instead I have only been overwhelmed with the usual feeling of being "othered". I can usually cope, but today did not feel great at all. I couldn't pretend to be in a good mood, because I was not. It honestly only makes me want to die. I feel like everything that has been done to me has been with a conscious effort to "other" me. I feel drained, and I want to stay inside even more. I don't think I'll ever be able to participate normally in anything, because just walking around I feel like people want me to leave. My therapist would say that it's my imagination, but even though I'm clearly aware of that... It's not something you can simply ignore. I mean, isn't that the point in the first place? The only way to get around it is to avoid eye contact at all costs. I feel like giving up...
I also am extremely tired of therapy and don't want to continue, it is not working out at all for me. I want something that will actually help me. No matter what I say to my therapist she'll say "that's normal, that's normal". What the fuck? And when I talk about normal stuff, she says "that's not normal". Please give me some real advice some day... I have tried to make her understand but she just keeps telling me to "keep trying, what are you afraid of?". What am I afraid of? Does it really matter when I'm going to avoid it anyway? She acts like I'm the one who diagnosed myself with a personality disorder... I am trying so hard to try, but I really need her to help me. She seems to think that if she tells me enough times that I have no reason to be afraid of things that it'll automatically make me overcome all my fears. What a joke. I want out. I don't look forward to working when I'm like this.
I also don't know why I felt this way today. I had beers yesterday, is it really because of that?

15.07.21

I had an alright day. I went walking even though it was a bit too warm. The view was very nice today. Lately I've been struggling to wake up in the morning.

14.07.21

I wanted to go out but it rained. I wanted to go for a walk in the sunshine, not in the rain. I had a pretty bad mood today. Yeah... Plus I overslept so I couldn't call the doctor. I'll try again tomorrow.

13.07.21

Bad day. Could not call my old doctor. Insted I just cried. Guess I'll do what I always do and wait until I get a random good day. It could take months, and I need a doctor's appointment before August... But I've thought, even if it's scary, it won't stop being scary, so I might as well do it as soon as possible. Pushing it further away doesn't make it any less difficult.

Ok, I actually called right after I wrote that. This means I've been getting better and better at not holding things off. Good for me. I just wrote down what I needed to say beforehand, since my therapist had already helped me with that. The office wasn't open, though... It said it was online :( I'll have to call again tomorrow morning. I'm still having a kind of bad day, though. I went outside after writing that and was fine but it's too hot. I want to go on a trek tomorrow.

12.07.21

I had a productive day. I still haven't called my old doctor. I really need to do that. I don't have much to say...

11.07.21

Today was fine. I thought the guy opposite me on the -public transport- was going to shoot us all. Well, I considered it. I was concerned about it, but I wasn't shaking and quaking and jittering and pissing in my boots. I wouldn't consider that a problem, but I could do without the anxiety. I felt pretty unbothered other than that. I guess it was a pretty good day, actually. The printer even works now. I think I had connected an internet cable wrong lol. I want to do lots of things next week. I sort of suddenly realised that I don't actually have that long before I have to work, so I really need to start doing everything I want, because summer will be over before I know it!

10.07.21

Ah... maybe I should save the diary entries for when I have something to say. I wanted to write something daily so I wouldn't forget. Today I was able to tidy up quite a bit. I haven't called my old doctor yet, and I don't know when I'll feel like doing that. I haven't felt anything so that's fine. Except... I guess I felt relieved because I sold something today.

09.07.21

Today was alright, I didn't do much. I feel okay.

08.07.21

It was a fine day. I had my vaccine and was feeling really anxious before that, but I was fine afterwards. I got a bit pissed off and wrote an entire angry customer feedback e-mail before deleting it. I'll return the stuff instead. I got scammed by a discount, kind of hard to explain in less than 10 words. Whatever, I'm feeling just fine. Not bad, not good, just fine. I'd like to sell some more stuff, too.

07.07.21

Today was okay I guess. Trying to get my ass into gear and not being such a loser all the time. I don't know... I did get a text from a mysterious stranger the other day, though. Can't say I was mad about it, maybe it will result in something, who knows. I don't think I mind spending time with other people at all, it's just the trust that's such a huge issue. No point in talking to people if you can't trust them...

06.07.21

It was a pretty good day!!!! I went out twice, which is rare for me. I feel pretty good, and it did come from going out and socialising so maybe that's the kind of person I am? Secret extrovert? I doubt it, but I feel pretty good anyway. I had a weird doctor's appointment on the phone yesterday which lasted 5 minutes! I need to contact someone official and I was nervous about it but my therapist helped me figure out how to do it lol. I probably won't do it tomorrow but hopefully I'll do it soon.

05.07.21

I had a shit day to be honest. I was despairing hard for a few hours. I was okay again afterwards. I don't know how to get help. I try so hard and yet the system keeps pushing me back down. I don't know why.

04.07.21

Good day. It will feel good to restart tomorrow. I feel pretty good.

03.07.21

I had a pretty good day, did something I'd been afraid of doing for years. I made it comfortable for myself, so I was able to do it. It is something that involves water. I felt stared at today, yes I did! I would appreciate it if people would stop staring. But hey, I did my thing anyway. I tried to not give a fuck. It was a relaxing day in the end. I didn't really feel much except for annoyance.

02.07.21

Walked. Got tired. Spent time with family. It was warm. I didn't feel anything except anger and paranoia. Almost flipped my shit. It's okay because I didn't. Felt threatened by some completely random person. Was weird. I survived anyway.

01.07.21

Felt weird today. Nothing unusual. Had to take a walk to get my mind off everything. Atually, I went for several walks today. I felt stared at even though I was trying to blend in. Kind of annoying. It's probably just my imagination. It's nice to be alone, though. I sent an apology by text. It was about time. It was an alright day.

30.06.21

Ah, yeah... It was a good day. I feel sorry for people suffering through the heat wave. I mean, I sympathize with them. I can't think of anything else to say. I have gotten over certain fears lately, and it was totally worth it. My next fear to overcome is... Actually, I forgot. I'll think some more on it. Wow, I don't really have anything to say other than that I smell bad. I feel slightly excited because I have had a series of successes lately. It really is enough to keep me going for a while.

29.06.21

I had a bad dream last night. I mean, it was really nice. Just... really bad, too. You know when you're just living your life and your brain decides to suddenly remind you of someone you would rather just forget? It's all soft hair and fragile bodies and kind smiles and secret scented perfume but I can't have any of that. What a loser. I bet this is far from the last dream I'll be having about this. I would like to forget, thank you. It just made me sulk in my own pathetic misery because I smelt your perfume on the bus later, too. What a silly thing. Wish I'd never met you. Your hair is very soft, though. And your perfume does smell very nice.
I also dreamt that I was discriminating against a person in a wheelchair who then hated me for it. What?

Other than that my day was fine. I didn't really feel much, to be honest.

28.06.21

I had a fine day. Finished a book. Sorted out a parcel for shipping. I'll need to ask the post office if the slip is acceptably printed, lol. My printer is a little bitch shit and printed it badly. It refused to print more so I hope it's good enough. I just want to get it over and done with, it's not good to waste so much time on strangers. I don't have a job currently, but I will be working soon, so I don't have to walk around feeling guilty about that for a change.

I love watching movies because it's an interesting look into other people's lives. It doesn't matter that they're not real because a lot of people relate to them. I saw Kajillionaire and though I did not expect it to be about a lesbian with mommy issues, it wasn't an unwelcome surprise? I feel like it's a bit tired, but I care less about that and more about seeing random lesbians in movies. It was alright. I like movies like this, because there's not that much plot so you can just sit back and analyze the characters' actions and thoughts. Not that I usually do that, but I think it's fun to observe how other people operate. Most of the time, I'd say maybe 99% of the time I find the people very hard to relate to and understand, but this main character in particular actually happened to be relatable to me. How rare! It's not like I need to relate to characters to find them interesting. I actually find it strange that so many people seem to need to find things relatable. It happens so rarely with me that I guess I had accepted it as fact that people like me are not something anyone wants to read about. When I actually relate to someone it feels like a rare treat that I should be collecting for later. If someone has the opportunity to complain about finding someone unrelatable... Doesn't that mean you usually relate to people? Maybe you're just... a bit spoiled?!

27.06.21

I felt a bit good today! I did all of the housework I needed to do. I went to the cinema and saw an interesting film. I'll talk about it another day. I feel kind of good and had a relatively productive day. I, I, I, I, it's my diary after all.

26.06.21

Today was OK. I don't have much to say, but I was thinking a bit about my life. It's weird how people try to push you into a mold for so long that you can't even remember what it's like outside of it. I spent so long and wasted so much time being anxious about socializing only to realize much too late the reason I fret when it comes to other people is because I simply do not give a fuck. Trying to remember every kind of social etiquette when you simply do not give a fuck is the biggest headache there is. I am so much happier alone that it's insane that I was ever forced into a sense of imagined normalcy. My normal is normal! I've always been treated like I'm abnormal by any group of people and I was afraid of being alone. If you're interested in trying it, there's no need to hesitate. I feel so much happier now, so much so that it's hard to describe. I feel like I'm free for the first time of my life. I still have other problems that I have to deal with but I can almost say it's easier now that I only have myself to judge. I just want to enjoy the life I have.

25.06.21

I think I'm getting sick. I'm not sure why, but it's really annoying. My body is in pain. I am weak as fuck, lol. I'm also just in a bad mood in general today. I didn't want to do anything, but I managed to do a little bit. I wanted to go outside but didn't do it in the end. I wasn't exactly scared, but I was a bit sweaty and didn't have anywhere to go.

Later:
I really dislike the idea of having an identity. I don't want to be anyone and I don't like people knowing things about me.

24.06.21

I felt bad today. I was able to distract myself, and thankfully I had coffee and alcohol. It wasn't all bad. I feel weird complaining about such small problems. I feel bad for a bit, and then I feel okay again later. Is there any point in mentioning it? I thought I should start keeping track of my moods, but if there's any point or not I'll have to see. I'm one of those people who has only recently discovered most of my emotions, so it has taken a lot of getting used to. Sometimes the emotions I get hung up about and distressed about are things people go through on a daily basis! It seems weird to complain about, so I would like to stop that. I am however very pleased, very pleased indeed about how good alcohol makes me feel.

23.06.21

I had an OK meeting. It feels weird to be believed. I couldn't help but feel that the lady interviewing me was secretly disgusted, but why would that matter when she was so nice to me? I feel a bit better about my upcoming doctor's appointment now. I felt very stared at today, but to be fair I was not trying to blend in.

23.06.21

This is my online diary from now on.